Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Doesn't Seem Real

These are some of the thoughts that were running through my mind on Monday.  I'm sure you will see more posts like these this week, as I deal with the loss of my grandpa.  His visitation is tomorrow and funeral is Thursday.  It's going to be a rough couple days, but writing these type of posts help me.  So here is today's post...

Are you really gone?  This doesn't seem real.  It doesn't seem real that I saw you hours before you passed.  It doesn't seem real how fast you passed.  None of this seems real.  It doesn't seem real that you are gone.

I know it will hit me, when I see you in that casket.  That you are gone.  You are out of pain.  But that doesn't help my broken heart.  My stomach is in knots.  Feels like part of me is missing.  I feel so sad, and I keep thinking about you.  That you are really gone.  Worried about how my grandma and dad are doing.  Knowing that this week will be a hard one.

Trying to keep myself busy and with friends, so I don't thinjk about this all 24-7.  But I have so much to do.  Teachers to notify that I will be missing, notes and tests to make up, and figuring out covering work shifts.  But you are in my mind 24/7.

I didn't know how I would do when I finally got this news.  Seeing you Sunday, I knew you would be gone soon.  Seeing you breathing hard, hooked up to oxygen, being on hospice and not being alert or awake.  Seeing my grandma seeing you like that and blaming herself.  Seeing my dad get teared up.  It was hard and I went back to the dorm knowing that probably after grandma left him that he would be gone.  

I was waiting for that call.  I saw the phone light up when I was washing my hands in the bathroom.  And I knew, I just knew that you were gone.  I raced to my room, felt the knots in my stomach and heard my dads voice say he is gone.  I held those tears in during that quick phone call.  And then it was like a part of me was gone.  I raced to a friends room for a hug.  To have someone there.  I held in the tears, letting a few slip.  And after I cried a little and just stayed with friends.

But I know that seeing you bury is gonna hurt even more.  Right now nothing seems real, but I know deep inside that when I see you laying in that casket, I'm going to break down.

But i'm thankful for those friends that are being here for me and also the family.  Everything will be ok, but just not right now.

1 Sweet Comments:

Lauren said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I am keeping you and your family in my prayers and sending you lots of love.


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